Shrek: The Novelization of the Movie (2001) by Dreamworks Pictures
by TheLegendaryBlackDragonKnight
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a Unlikely Hero who rescues a Beautiful Princess from a Nasty Villain with the help of his Trusty Companion. One name spells Action, one name spells Adventure and one name spells Romance. The greatest fairy tale never told. Dreamworks Pictures presents Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, John Lithgow and that name is: Shrek (2001) Film Novelization
1. Chapter 1:Life in the Day of Shrek

**DREAMWORKS PICTURES, 2001**

Once upon a time, there was a lovely Princess

But she had an enchantment upon her of an awful sort, that could only be broken by True Love's First Kiss

She was Locked away in a tower, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing Dragon

Many brave Knights had attempted to free from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed

She waited in the Dragon's keep, in the tallest room of the tallest tower. Where she waited for her True Love and True Love's First Kiss...

A large green hand ripped a page from the Book and revealed another part involving the whole kingdom celebrating on the Princess and her True Love's wedding day, laughing heartily as he slammed it shut. "Like that's ever gonna happen" The male once voicing the telling of a beautiful tale doubted

"What a load of-" A flush of a Toilet drowned out the last part of the sentence. This Outhouse was made of white birch wood, lashed together with a rope for a handle and a black crescent moon facing the right. There appeared to be some hanging moss on the tilted roof growing and a pathway of stones with grass and other such foliage growing. The area all around appeared to be woodland like with large trees and the same growing moss being connected like vines to one tree to another. The strange thing about all of this is that this Outhouse was nowhere near a household like any other one, and it just so happened that it appeared to have working plumbing with a flushing toilet

The door slammed open to the right from the inside, revealing none other than the male voice who narrated the Book before ripping the page for his own... shall we say, a shitty crack in need of cleaning in between because god forbid it if one would get such a rash from not wiping their ass. This is no Prince Charming nor a Frog, no it was a Unlikely Hero: A Ogre to say. Yawning and stretching out before pulling his pants from riding up on him, he took notice of the Ripped Page was stuck to his right foot, shaking it off and finally getting off before looking at his home

The Swamp was what remained of an tree that has long been hallowed out for a much more... lively use inside. Specifically the large hallowed tree that acted like a chimney that was also growing fungus and moss, it was overgrowing with some grass and there were two tree branches that headed straight for the ground, multi-pronged with a pathway of stone steps leading up onto the house itself. The area of course was filled with large trees, some ponds and some rocks with an chair and a crate with an red pot and yellow bowl. Like the Outhouse, the door had rope for a handle and there was even a window with the door having it's own peeping hole to see through. The sun shined it's rays upon the Swamp with a broom next to the entrance, some grass grew nearby and there was some logs here and there. The Ogre breathed in and left the Outhouse with the door slamming behind him as he began his daily ritual of sorts

The first of these was grabbing a nearby bucket and scraping up some nice mud, to which the green water had unknowingly formed to make his name. Next he hung it up on a branch above him, flung his clothes off and pulled down on the rope; he felt the chill of the mud on his back and made a spurting sound that made it feel like he was shivering, nonetheless he always enjoyed a nice Mud Shower to begin his day. Scrubbing his back and armpit with his brush as his crocodile flesh vest was hung and his plaid pants were hanging from a tree branch that made perfect censorship to cover "The Ugly Part That's Hidden The Most" but for good reasons. He dranked in the mud pouring from the bucket above him and spat out onto the floor, creating a name from mud that spelled out: Mike Myers, although like before he paid no attention; didn't do anything to him and wasn't bothering anyone else

To further make sure that he's frightening and hideous looking, he grabbed a red Caterpillar from his ever so endless supply of bugs from a wood cup and proceeded to squish it's green blood to form a paste on a bone. He proceeded to brush on the inside of his teeth before covering the outside, scraping up and down before smiling with a horrifying grin of such nastiness and putrid god awful hygiene. It was so bad and his breath was so terrible that the mirror in front of him shattered into a spiderweb before the pieces fell and thus, another name was revealed as it was carved into the wood: Eddie Murphy, like before he left without a word

Next he plunged himself into a lake and made a huge splash, turning himself right and getting ready; he let out a loud, horrendous and terrible gaseous fart that bubbled behind him. Feeling relieved and making a French Naughty Girl pose with his finger to his lip, he turned to see that there was not one, not two but three red salmons floating up to the surface; murdered by the deadliness of the stench that continued to plague the rest of the underwater native wildlife, he grabbed the one next to him and proceeded to leave as the moss in the water and the lily pads surrounding it formed yet another name: Cameron Diaz, it was almost like these were giving the Ogre some subliminal messages as if they were telling him that there was a wicked plan going to destroy his solitary life forever

He then proceeded to squiggle himself into a hallowed husk of a fallen treebranch pointing upwards diagonally, pushing the out loads amount of mud as he climbed his way forward like a commando in the trenches of a battlefield; with the sloppy mud spilling out to the ground and coming out all stained with it, although he did smile as he happened to find a green slug with orange eyes and red tiger stripes. It was just the thing he needed for tomorrow night's dinner, he grabbed it and seemingly gave out a squirm in alarm as it was picked up by a giant green hand. The tiny white worms below the slug formed one last name: John Lithgow, before scattering all away in the muddy landscape before themselves

It was this day that happened to be his Painting Day, setting up a canvas near a lake with the beautiful green hills in the distance; he began painting his new sign, a white horizontal slab of the same wood from his Outhouse that happened to have it's top left corner missing and also growing mold and fungus. He took his time with this one as it was the afternoon by the time he was done, placing his palette down to approach the new painting and taking a good look at before giving it a beautiful kiss for one such amazing work of art; even getting some red lipstick from it as he hung the sign next to his horizontal brown "STAY OUT" sign. It was a rather hideous portrayal of his face with red eyes with some red writing that had two simple words: "BEWARE OGRE" it was also that now the top right corner was missing. It's clear that he did not paint on both sides, but then again he ain't complaining since he's happy about how it turned out

However, unknown to him who lived out his daily ritual; there was trouble brewin' in the Village Town nearby. The door with the Wanted Posters for specific fairy tale creatures such as eleven little elves, Pinoccio, the Three Pigs, Evil Elf and of course: The Ogre himself slammed open as a group of men came rushing out of the house, preparing for an attack. The Wanted Poster makes the Beware Ogre sign look SO much better, no doubt about that of course. The Villager drew the plan in the dirt and how they should plan to attack, telling the Villagers they should plan to attack without being seen in the bushes nearby; that way the Ogre would be dead before they know what is happening and would caught off guard. The Villagers grabbed their torches and pitchforks while the Ogre happened to grab his spoon a slurp up a bowl of eyeballs, clearly from his jar of eyes. The Ogre Hunters were getting closer to the Swamp through the fields with the Scarecrow in the evening sunset while the Ogre lit a match and burped a stream of flames to light his Swamp Home in the firepit, while the Ogre Hunters lit their torches to light their path through the night as they headed into the Swamp

The Ogre had ate his catch of the day and relaxed back on the crocodile flesh recliner next to his square shaped animal pelt lamp with a shelf of books next to him. In the meantime, the Ogre Hunters came running down the pathway to Swamp; breaking over and trampling a vertical version of the brown sign that also had the same words: "STAY OUT" The Ogre Hunters ignored the sign's warning and continued to run. The Ogre's tiny trumpet ears picked up a disturbance in his own Swamp, it was... sounds of people trespassing. With a groan he lurched to his feet and glanced out his window, taking a look around before he spotted the group of Ogre Hunters in the far distance. He might as well do it, can't have those damn Hunters takin' him alive. The Ogre Hunters continued as they slowed their run to a walk, being on the lookout for anything that may jump out of the bushes and ambush them at anytime and moment; unknown to them, the Ogre they were hunting for was stalking right behind them silently without a hint of suspicion

The Ogre Hunters, mainly three of them consisting of one in green clothing wearing a upward pointed hat; one with an mustache and a trapezoid shaped hat and the other with an bowl cut, pushed aside the tall grass and foliage as they observed the Swamp House with the light coming from the warm fire insight

"Think it's in there?" One of them asked

"Alright... let's get it!" The one in the upward hat declared, holding a torch and about to make a charge forward before he was stopped short by the one with the mustache next to him

"Hold on, you know what that thing could do to you?" He asked, for these Villagers were known to hear about some of the most awful things that Ogres were known to do

"Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread!" The one with the bowl cut told him. They were all startled next as they turned to see that the Ogre had chuckled loudly, it was tall and looked down at them and spoke to them as if he was great friends with them all

"Hehehe yes, well actually; that would be a giant!" He exclaimed, some of the men had yelped and began to back off; taking this as an invitation to their Ogre Hunting, he stepped forward each time they retreated as he begun to tell the Ogre Hunters what they really do to people like them who trespass upon their land

"Now Ogres, oh.. they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!"

"No!" A man was horrified

"They'll shave your livers!" Another "No" was heard as he continued. "And squeeze the jelly from your eyes!" The Ogre Hunters had nowhere to back up to and they were cornered as the Ogre added this in; "Actually it's quite good on toast" That part right there is true. A Ogre Hunter with a beard began to swing it's torch across their target

"Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!" He warned in a false bravado in front of the Ogre Hunters. The response was absolutely NOT what he wanted. The Ogre before them looked had a eyebrow raised before calmly licking his hand and putting out his torch with a smile, the Ogre Hunters saw the fearlessness and the one who held the torch was embarrassed. "Right..." He dropped the extinguished torch

Suddenly, the Ogre had let loose an horrible and fearsome ear bursting roar directly into the faces of the cowering Ogre Hunters. They screamed in response as their torches began to extinguish one by one as the roar continued, the bits of what was eaten shot out with one hanging on it's teeth before they all landed on the faces of the Ogre Hunters. Soon he stopped and wiped his mouth, but the Hunters continued to scream until they stopped and looked at him terrified; the Ogre leaned in and whispered to them as the crickets and other hidden wildlife in the night went on in the silence

"This is the part where you run away..." It's like he knew what to expect for this was not the first time this happened before. With a yelp they immediately dropped everything they were armed with and bolted out of the swamp as the Ogre chortled to himself, the Ogre Hunters ran out with the bowl cut one tripping but still continuing to run with his fellow villagers. The Ogre laughed whole heartily and yelled after them by leaning forwards to the retreating party. "And stay out!" A piece of paper caught his attention and picked it up, it had an face of a solemn elf with an green leaf hat and white beard. There were bags and gold drawn as well but the reward written in red was not written

"Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures..." He read to himself. Reward for his capture, could they be anymore stupid and humiliatingly cowardly? They sure as hell ain't gettin' him, so with one last look to where they ran off from and a shake of his head; he threw the paper away as it landed on the floor and headed back inside to get himself some good 'ol shut-eye and some beauty sleep; ironic considering that he is an Ogre. Nonetheless, tomorrow morning would be the day he posts a new sign on the outskirts of his Swamp; for now, he remained unaware that there was indeed a wicked plan of somebody he had never met before in his lifetime that was about to destroy his solitary life in the Swamp forever...


	2. Chapter 2:Fairytale Deathcamp

"Alright this one's full, take it away!" A Guard ordered as the horses walked away with the transport, another one was rounding up the Seven Dwarves in chains like a line of prisoners; who were singing in their misfortune

"He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we" They all sang union, with the Guard tugging at their chains

"Move it along. Come on! Get up!" There was commotion going on

"Next!" The Captain of the Guards, who wore an brown leather cap on his head called out as a man brought a witch in black over

"Give me that!" The Guard took the broom and snaps it in half with his knee. "Your flying days are over" He declared as the Captain gave the reward to the Witch Hunter. "That's 20 Pieces of silver for the Witch. Next!" The Witch Hunter grumbled off about the pieces of silver as he passed a cantankerous old woman with a Donkey with her tied in rope. He was observing the whole Fairytale Deathcamp as the man who held a small elf with a red cone hat dressed in blue brought the latter to be traded for the reward. "Come on, get over here!" He grumbled

"Get up! Come on!" The Guards lifted up the door to the Fairytale Deathcamp Transport containing the Seven Dwarves, White Unicorn and Witch before taking off. Not even the Three Bears were safe from being caged in two separate ones. The father wore glasses and a pipe in his mouth, the Mother had a obvious bow in her hair and the cub seemed upset in his own separate cage next to his parents

"This cage is too small!" Behind him happened to be a never growing up young boy with a glowing yellow fairy in a cage, a tall farmer with three German accented pigs, two under one arm and the third under his other one. In front of them happened to be an old toymaker with a puppet in his arms

"Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!" Donkey begged as his cruel old owner frowned and raised her elbow as if to hit him

"Oh shut up!" She declared with Donkey whimpering afterwards

"Next!" The Captain called out as the Old Toymaking Elder placed down a puppet onto the table before him. "What have you got?"

"This little wooden puppet" Geppetto stated with Pinocchio trying to lie his way out

"I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy" His nose grew forward two feet, proving his statement bullshit

"5 Shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away" He ordered as Geppetto was given his Shillings and walked off while Pinocchio was taken in another direction towards the transport

"Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!" The Guard hoisted him up as the Old Woman stepped up to the table

"Next! What have you got?" The Captain asked

"Well, I've got a talking Donkey" She yanked the rope around Donkey's mouth forward

"Right, well that's good for 10 Shillings! If you can prove it..." The Captain has been given a lot of strange creatures lately these past few days, such as a stalk and a spinning top. He even got a empty Lamp from a hunky Arabian Thief turned Prince, at least he hoped it was empty; otherwise he could've had his three wishes right about now, damn...

"Oh, go ahead little fella" Her voice turned sweet, innocent and gentle sounding as she removed the rope off of Donkey's mouth. He just looked from her to the Guards and remained silent

"Well?" The Captain asked as the Guard returned from placing Pinocchio in the Fairytale Deathcamp Transport

"Oh, oh, he's just... he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox" She told the Captain before turning over to Donkey, threatening to slap him. "Talk, you boneheaded dolt!"

"That's it, I've heard enough. Guards!" The Captain was getting impatient, she can't prove that it's a talking Donkey and she ain't gettin' that 10 Shillings; unless she brings in a REAL one

"No, no he talks! He does" The Old Woman was getting desperate, if she's going to sell this stubborn boneheaded dolt then's she's gonna have to try something. She proceeded to grab Donkey's mouth and move it, if this won't get her the 10 Shillings then nothing will. "I can talk! I love to talk! I'm the talkiest damn thing you ever saw!"

...

The Captain was not impressed...

...

"Get her out of my sight" The Captain of the Guards ordered as the Guards proceeded to grab the Old Woman by the arms

"No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!" She struggled as she kicked here and there, with her foot kicking the small cage of Peter Pan behind her; the small cargo holding Tinkerbell flung into the air before landing atop of Donkey's head, sprinkling some Pixie Dust that allowed him to fly

"Hey, I can fly!" Thus, Donkey made the grave mistake that would led to his meeting with a certain person that he would become friends with in the future: had he kept his mouth shut until he left the vicinity of the Fairytale Deathcamp, he would be home free...

"He can fly" Peter declared

"He can fly" The Three Pigs spoke in disbelief in union

"He can talk!?" The Captain of the Guards was rightfully angry for being decieved, it would appear that the Old Woman was telling the truth all along and this Donkey was fooling them into thinking he was a ordinary animal just to avoid falling into their hands. By the time that Pixie Dust wears off, he'll be captured immediately!

"Haha! That's right fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You may have seen a Housefly, maybe even a Superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a Donkey fly. Ha, ha!" Donkey cheered in his own newfound freedom to escape and soar out of reach, but it would seem that his luck has just ran out for the Pixie Dust wore off and he lost his altitude. "Uh... oh" He proceeded to fall and land on his ass, the Captain frowned angrily and pointed to him

"Seize him!" The Captain barked out

Donkey panicked as he tried to run, but was grabbed by two Guards; he wiggled himself loose and avoided another two Guards attempting to capture him, the third one fell atop the first and second one while the forth one stumbled. "After him!" The Captain got up and screamed as Donkey took off running out of the Fairytale Deathcamp, jumping over a rock and running under a fallen branch; making a hasty turn to the right with whatever limited mobility he had and ran for as much as his stubby little legs carried him. The Captain of the Guards and his men were not far behind but Donkey continued to run, not seeing the Ogre setting up his new birch wood vertical sign that a green skull with pupils that wrote: "Keep Out" until it was too late and bumped into him

The Ogre turned around to face him as Donkey was terrified, not even he was safe from hearing about the terrible acts that Ogres had done to those who provoke them; but the yelling of the Captain screaming out to his men,"He's getting away! Get him!" and the sounds of the Guards in armor forced him to hide behind this green giant. "This way! Turn!" Donkey took cover behind the Ogre as the Captain of the Guards and his men ran up, stopping when they all saw the tall Ogre who stood before them

"You there... Ogre" The Captain grabbed a scroll his waist

"Aye?" Was his reply, hands on his hips and now seemingly irritated that his day was once again involving contact with company

"By the order of Lord Farquaad... I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement... facility...?" The Captain's voice was shaking and nervous due to the face that the Ogre was walking towards him slowly, now standing right in front of him as a deafening silence fell

"Oh really?" He asked, leaning down so he was face to face with the Captain. "You and what army?" He asked as his teeth glittered with a smile, glancing behind him

The Captain turned around to see what was once left of his men as the Halberds falling down and the Shield spun around onto the floor like a coin, turning back to the Ogre; Donkey smiled as the Captain took his men's advice and made a run for it. Now that confrontation is over with, the Ogre shook his head and walked away; but Donkey had nowhere else to go and decided to follow his accidental savior. He trotted behind him

"Can I say something to you?" He asked with the Ogre walking on. "Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!" Now fully irritated, he turned around

"Are you talkin' to..." The Ogre saw no one else, just the ground lit by the sunlight within the forest of the tall trees. The voice was clearly gone, but it seemed like it was there before. "Me?" He blinked and shrugged, before giving out a startled yell as the Donkey now stood before him; christ he just can't stay still can't he?

"Yes I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back here? Those Guards! They thought they were all of that. Then you showed up and bam!" He caught up to him before getting up onto his hoofs in front of the Ogre and made a action move with his right hoof, stopping him again. "They were trippin' over themselves like babes in the wood. I loved seeing that, made me feel happy seeing that"

"Oh, that's great. Really" The Ogre sarcastically replied

"Man, it's good to be free" He declared as the Ogre turned to him

"Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with own friends? Hmm?" Leaning down to the Donkey, suggesting before walking off again

"But... I don't have any friends, and I'm NOT going out there by myself" A flash of inspiration came to him. "Hey wait a minute, I got a great idea! I'll stick with you" Donkey returned happily to the Ogre, deaf to his annoyance. "You're a mean green fighting machine! With you, we'll scare the spit out of anybody who crosses us!" The Ogre halted and regarded Donkey for a moment being, he then turned and gave off an all might roar right into his face; hoping this would scare him off with nightmares for weeks. Although he just stared, now with an impressed look drawn on his face

"Oh, wow! That was really scary!" The Ogre just frowned and stomped away, can he not see to his demeanor of being a lone wolf?! "Now if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS!"

The Ogre continued walking, looking back and not hearing his nonestop chatterbox for about five seconds; he better enjoy this relief and hope that he lost 'em. Once again he was just not having it his way today as Donkey appeared looking down at him from above; atop of a fallen tree near the earth that the Ogre was walking in

"You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time..." The Ogre covered Donkey's mouth, muffling his little obnoxious tale and Donkey still would not shut up as he kept it held there; continuing to talk either way; he removed his hand,"Then I ate some berries, man I had some strong gasses leaking out of my butt that day"

"WHY are you following me?!" The Ogre asked, he was losing hope; nothing could shut Donkey up and he just needed to get away right now, all that was there for him was the Swamp he lived in

"I'll tell you way" Donkey leaped off the tree as he followed the Ogre, before breaking out into this obnoxious song as he and the Ogre were caught in the middle of some god damn musical

"Cause I'm all alone, there's no here beside me" He stopped in front of the Ogre as he wiggled his ass, the Ogre's right eye was half closed and his left eye was twitching in madness as Donkey continued. "My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me... but you gotta have faith-"

"Stop singing!" The Ogre yelled, he grabbed Donkey by the ears and tail as he moved him out of his way. "It's no wonder you don't have any friends!" He declared, how much longer will he able to take this unwanted attention that he is not used to for reasons to be explained later on

"Wow, only a true friend would be that truly honest!" Donkey claimed, the Ogre only groaned

"Listen, little Donkey. Take a look at me: What am I?" He held out his arms and stood tall before him. Donkey looked from the Ogre's shoes to his head, who's face looked angry looking while he thought to himself

"Really tall?" was his first blunt guess

"No! I'm an Ogre, you know. "Grab your torch and Pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?" He imitated an Ogre Hunter from the Village before asking, Donkey shook his head

"Nope" came the response

"Really?" A bit surprised the Ogre was

"Really, really" He happily assured

"Oh" The Ogre was not too sure on what to say next

"Man, I like you, what's your name?" The Ogre looked a little surprised. For over his lifetime alone in the Swamp, no one and no living being has ever asked him of his name for a very, very long time. It was as if though he had forgotten it himself, but he knew that it wasn't true at all; not even one would forget their own name of all things

"Uhh... Shrek" He replied after a moment, remembering before going on his way

"Shrek?" Donkey echoed, seeing if he got it right before following the now and forever named Ogre himself. "Well, you know what I like about you Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me-thing I like that. I respect that Shrek. You all right" He continued to follow Shrek up the hill as they came overhead across a small grassy meadow hill above that overlooked Shrek's Swamp. Donkey stared looked at the scene before him

"Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place a like that?" He asked with a hint of disgust, mostly discomfort, in his voice

"That... would be my home" Shrek claimed with his hands to his hips before heading down the other side of the hill. Donkey could only blink in response, he had really put his hoof in it now

"Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. it's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget" Shrek only shook his head as he continued downwards. "I like that boulder, that is a nice boulder" He followed him down

He continued after Shrek once again and stopped in front of the three signs: "BEWARE OGRE" which was the vertical birch wood moss growing sign, the horizontal brown "STAY OUT" sign and a third horizontal sign with a black skull and red lettering that read out: "DANGER" Donkey took a look at each of them all and asked,"I guess you don't uh.. entertain that much do you?"

"I like my privacy" Shrek claimed as he kept walking to his front door, Donkey trotted after him

"You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint and they won't leave. Then there's that big awkward silence you know?"

Shrek turned to face him, and the exact same thing that Donkey just said had happened. It was exactly like he could read his mind, since that's exactly what he was trying to do to him

"Can I stay with you?" He asked, Shrek was unclear and didn't understand; why would he want to stay with him of all people?

"Uh, what?"

"Can I stay with you, please?" He added in the magic word

"Of course!" Shrek declared lightheartedly as he smiled

"Really?" Donkey asked

"No..." Shrek bluntly denied

"PLEASE! I don't wanna go back there! You know what it's like to be living like a freak" Oh yeah that's right, he remembered what Shrek was after he forgot for a moment as he pushed Shrek onto his front door with his hooves. "Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay, please, please!" Donkey was getting hysterical, seeking this opportunity to have him shut up; he gave in to his demand

"OKAY! Okay..." Donkey dropped to the floor as Shrek opened his door inwards as he gave this little restriction first. "But one night only" He was about to enter before Donkey bolted in

"Ah! Thank you!"

"What are you...?" Donkey leapt onto Shrek's crocodile flesh recliner. "No, no!"

"This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories and in the mornin" He trotted around on the chair before sitting down as he finished with: "I'm makin' waffles!"

"Oh!" Shrek groaned as he held his hands out, as he was wanting to strangle the noisy intruder that was now inside his home. Donkey looked around and asked him

"Where do, uh... I sleep?"

"Outside!" Shrek screamed irritably, Donkey's ears drooped upon hearing that response

"Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go" He sniffled as got off his recliner and walked out sadly,"Goodnight..." He told him as Shrek slammed the door on him, with him sighing to himself

"You know, I do like the outdoors. I'm a Donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside" Shrek looked out before shaking his head and sighing to himself, walking away from the door to enjoy himself for the rest of the day as Donkey began singing the same song again; although more sorrowfully

"I'm all alone, there's no one here besides me..."

Tonight could only end so well when Shrek finds out what waits for him outside of his own home, but it's never easy being green now is it? But it can be big like a mountain, important like a river or tall like a tree, it's beautiful and it was just exactly what Shrek wanted to be. His Hero and Idol was The Incredible Hulk after all...


	3. Chapter 3:On the Road to Duloc

In that night, as the cauldron hanging by chains over the firepit bubbled solemnly; Shrek was enjoying himself a nice dinner while Donkey was locked outside of his home. He dropped a eye on a stick into his glass and slurped it down as he looked at his dinner before him, these items include: the Slug with orange eyes, what appeared to be green grapes, a jar of eyes, spice, worm stuffed pumpkin and a nice large piece of cooked skinless Silvelax. These were the times he enjoyed the most out of his solitary life, he was home, nice and warm as he wasn't bothered by anyone at all. Though he had to pause and glance at his front door. Mixed feelings about his new acquaintance. He was sure as hell the talkative creature, but at least he was the first not to judge him by his looks nor who he was

He shook his head and sighed, scooting in further to his table as he felt that there was just something missing; that was until he figured out what it was. He brought his hand to his ear and started to pull hard and painfully as the earwax building up came out like a spear and placed it atop the mallet; lighting the hair growing in his ear afterwards with a match. Now he can enjoy his meal alone, but the same could not be said for Donkey who looked on unnoticibly before he left and made his way back to the front door; laying down as he smiled and went to sleep at his new friend's comfort. He may be ornery, but he's a true and honest Ogre I tell you what. Shrek continued to eat and enjoy his meal until the sound of his door creaking could be heard, this caught his attention

Oh boy, annoyance during his dinner of all times. He put his fork and knife on the table as he got up. "I thought I told you to stay outside" He was hoping to shove Donkey back outside

"I am outside" His voice came from the window

Wait a minute. Who opened his door then? He turned and saw a shadow move across as this caught his suspicion. Who was now moving around near his table? He returned and observed it, everything normal on the bottom but took notice when he heard voices from above

"Well, gents, it's a farcry from the farm, but what choice do we have?" One of the blind mice asked, tripping over Shrek's fork

"It's not home, but it'll do just fine" The second of the blind mice knocked over the jar full of eyeballs, spilling out the contents

"What a lovely bed" The third of the blind mice was bouncing on the Slug, Shrek immediately caught him

"Got ya!" However it escaped his grasp

"I found some cheese" He bit Shrek's left trumpet ear

"OW!" He cried in pain, grabbing at the mouse again who was on his other shoulder

"Blah! Awful stuff" He jumped down onto the spoon and inadvertently launched a piece of gravy towards Shrek's left eye, to which he wiped it away afterwards

"Is that you Gordon?" One of them asked

"How did you know?" He asked them back

"Enough!" He grabbed all three of them by the tail, flipping the wooden spoon off the left side of the table as he turned his back and demanded angrily. "What are you doing in my house?" The dinner on his table was then shoved and Shrek's back was hit with an gold and glass fashioned coffin of what here lied Snow White, under the curse by the Poison Apple infected by the Sleeping Death curse. "Hey!" He turned and saw the Seven Dwarves, one of the waved at Shrek

"Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad OFF the table!" He shoved her coffin back to the Dwarves

(A/N: It should be mentioned in the Trailers that it was "Dead Girl OFF the table!" it's amazing how the movies aren't exactly how you see them in the Trailers and TV Spots, isn't it?)

"Where are we supposed to put her? The Bed's taken" They shoved back to him

"Huh?" He stopped short. The bed is taken? What the hell did they mean by that? He hurried to his bed and opened the curtain of which kept it hidden from sight and gasped, there laid comfortably and in grandmother's clothing, was a wolf of all creatures

"What?" He asked irritably. Shrek was now on the verge of his rage, he dragged him out of bed and held him in the air through his house as the Seven Dwarves made themselves comfortable

"I live in a swamp, I put up signs! I'm a terrifying Ogre!" He shoved his door open outwards, because apparently it's a two-way door and you know what they say: All Doors are Two-Way Doors. "What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!" He screamed as he threw the Wolf out of his house, but that didn't end there; no it didn't, it was even worse than he thought it would be

"Oh no... oh no!" Shrek screamed

His Swamp. His lovely, silent, peaceful Swamp was no longer the way he intended it to be. It was now swarming with many, many Fairytale Creatures; many, many beings now living here. Hell even the old woman brought her entire shoe to his Swamp, with many children running around. Tents were set up, fairies roamed around in the air, Pinocchio and a short yellow elf with a cone shaped hat were arguing and many people were conversing with each other. God dammit!

"No!" A witch flew past him,"NO!" He screamed out, three more witches came zooming past him and Shrek had to jump for cover as they came flying down with elves helping them land. "Wha?" Shrek turned his head to the side with the old woman hanging her clothes with a child and two other children pushing each other

"Hey, don't push!" The girl in the blue argued

The Pied Piper in red was calling over the many rats with his flute while many other Fairytale Creatures were waiting in line towards Shrek's Outhouse which also seemed to have it's own lightsource. So Shrek's Outhouse has working plumbing, a flushing toilet and it's own lightsource from the inside... where can I get one of those? In the meantime, Papa and Baby Bear were sitting by the fire with the latter upset and being comforted by his own father; no Mama Bear in sight though, looks like he's become a victim of the "Lost Mother" trope as many other Fairytale Creatures warmed themselves up by the fire before them. Elves, Lepricons, Dwarves, Fairies, Witches, Pigs, Wolves, Stalks, a Unicorn and any Fairytale Creature those who can think of were all there in Shrek's Swamp; intruding on his shattered peaceful little home on Dinner of all nights

"What are you doing in my Swamp?!" Shrek roared out as he got up, his voice echoed all over the sound of his own Swamp; everyone and everything came an abrupt half as it was followed by screams and gasps. The Dwarves who held bowls to be fed with soup from the cauldron by the witch dropped them, the three fairies of Sleeping Beauty flew in the tent to hide and two Dwarves ducked out of sight and appeared holding each other out of fear behind the branch. Shrek wasn't going to have it, he eyed everyone and began to walk to some Elves and Dwarves

"Alright, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly, come on!" He shooed them all backwards but some of the Dwarves and fairies ran into his home as Shrek turned back. "No, no! No, no. Not there, not there" He ran after them as they slammed the door on him, along with a green fairy and tried to open it with no virtual success. He stopped and turned to face the large group before them, especially on Donkey as he frowned viciously and was going to throw him out: He said he could stay for a single night, this did not give him the idea of inviting and having a entire slumber party in his Swamp!

"Hey don't look at me, I didn't invite them" Donkey replied

"Oh, gosh, no one invited us" Pinocchio confirmed

"What?!" Shrek came over, demanding to know what happened

"We were forced to come here" He told the Ogre

"By who?" He was flabbergasted until one of the Three Pigs, the one with the hard helmet on informed him

Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he... signed an eviction notice" His brothers nodded in agreement. This was gonna be a long night ahead for him

"Alright. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?" He asked. Everyone looked around at each other with no answer, until Donkey answered

"Oh, I do. I know where he is!"

"Does anybody ELSE know where to find him? Anyone at all?" Shrek was desperate and pleading not to go with Donkey of all people

"Me! Me!" Donkey tried to get his attention. Baby Bear held his paw up, but was stopped by his father as there was no use in going back to Lord Farquaad's Kingdom

"Anyone?" Big Bad Wolf and a Green Wizard pointed to each other while Donkey continued

"Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!"

"Okay... fine" It was bound to happen, he knew that he would either go with Donkey, seek out a Human for directions or seek out Farquaad himself since he has alot to answer for dumping these people on his own property; and so he gave out this demanding speech to them. "Attention, all Fairytale... things. Do not get comfortable, your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm going to see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!" He pointed to the left as silence was met before the entire crowd went wild. Shrek shook his head and groaned before walking, until four birds draped him in a flower cloak. "Doh!" He swatted them away as he sharply pointed directly at Donkey

"You. You're comin' with me" He told him darkly as he shoved the cape off him and started walking, the birds returned and dropped a flower crown on his head

"Alright, that's what I like to hear man: Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!" Donkey rushed after Shrek, who proceeded to grab a torch from a Dwarf which refused to let go; but a few shakes from him 'ought to get him off and dump him in the water where he resurfaced moments later. "On the road again, sing it with me, Shrek. I can't to get on the road again"

"What did I say about singing?" He sharply turned to Donkey and grabbed his flower crown before throwing off of him as the duo made their way across the wooden log in the ground connecting the pathway to Shrek's Swamp

"Can I whistle?" Donkey asked

"No" That's even worse than singing

"Can I hum it?"

"Alright, hum it" At least it ain't too bad, it makes Donkey bearable to say the least

With that done with, Donkey continued to hum "On the Road Again" while Shrek paid attention to no one and nowhere but the road ahead of them; for he will reclaim his Swamp and Farquaad will get alot to hear from him, he was going to make sure of that. The two heroes marched off into the woodlands while being waved off by all creatures, it would appear that Shrek was right to himself: This was gonna be a long night ahead for him, but it'll all be over before he knows it once his Swamp is back with him and he can continue living in his lonesome life. There's more to Shrek than anyone would see about him, and nobody ain't giving him the chance to show his misjudgement of how he looks and how he is treated; that time will come and until then, it will be adventure worth remembering in the end of it all. Nevertheless, no matter what he comes across; it will be surpassed by him and him alone


	4. Chapter 4:Lord Farquaad

In Duloc, inside the Kitchen fashioned like a Torture Room; a black hand slams down a glass onto a table. A pair of black legs belonged to a lone figure in red, marching down a corridor as the masked man with yellow eyes poured in the milk with a red bull imprinted on the face; although the milk container didn't seem to level out at all. The lone figure in red with a purpose, an evil one to say, fixed gloves and readied himself as he continued forth. He was a nasty villain, a terrible man with a evil purpose; two Guards conversed with each other as they blocked the exit, but straightened themselves at the sight of none other than Lord Farquaad before allowing him entrance. He marched past them and it was revealed that although he looked like a tall, imposing figure due to the organ music playing for him; he didn't even come close to the waist of the two Guards at all, he was just four feet tall. A tiny terror this one is, at least he doesn't have short term memory loss. Inside, Lord Farquaad watched as the masked man dunked the figure in his grip into the glass of milk

"That's enough, he's ready to talk" He ordered as he approached afterwards. The masked man known as Thelonious did just that and revealed that it wasa man made of Gingerbread, but was horribly mutilated of his baked legs. Thelonious slammed him onto the cookie sheet and walked away as Lord Farquaad laughed evilly and approached the table, but stopped as it only met to his eyes and frowned. Seemed it was still at it's correct high and lowered to meet his satisfactions

"Ahem!" The table was lowered and Farquaad towered over the poor Gingerbread Man. He was a light olive beige color with two purple gumdrop buttons as white frosting was on his hands and across his waist, it was also on his two feet as well; if he had any left that is, his eyebrows were an baby blue color with white eyes and had an light apple red mouth. Farquaad proceeded to mock him by playing with his dismembered legs

"Run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me; I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!"

"You're a monster!"

"I'm not the monster here, YOU are!" Farquaad threw one of his legs past Gingy and crumbled the other one in his hand. "You and the rest of those other Fairy Tale freaks are posioning my perfect world... now tell me, where are the others?!" Farquaad leaned down to him with his fist smashed to the table, demanding for whatever information this cookie baked victim had on him

"Eat me!" Gingy spat in Farquaad's eye, who removed the icing

"I've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has reached it's end! Tell me or I'll..." Farquaad grabbed of his buttons

"No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!"

"Alright then, who's hiding them?" He brought the lamp of light down on him, Gingy sat up and squinted as he led this interrogation with answers leading to nowhere

"Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?" He asked, Farquaad rushed over

"The Muffin Man?" He asked as he quickly came over

"The Muffin Man" He confirmed

"Yes, I know the Muffin Man; who lives on Drury Lane?" Farquaad was unsure which Muffin Man that Gingy was referring to and wanted to make sure it was clear for him to understand

"Well, she's married to the Muffin Man" Gingy explained

"The Muffin Man?" He asked

"The Muffin Man!" Gingy yelled

"She's married to the Muffin Man" Farquaad pondered to himself for a moment before being interrupted by the door opening to reveal the Captain of the Guards

"My Lord, we found it!" He declared

"Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!" He ordered with excitement, finally getting his hands on the one object he was in need of

The Guards walked in, being careful not to drop the priceless artifact they held in their hands that was covered with a sack; very fragile it is to say, they hung it on the hanging hook in front of the wall and removed the sack as they moved away for their lord to see what they have brought before him. It was an oval shaped object with two swirls going upwards, having rectangular slots with square shaped ones in the middle of each; two ribbons diagonally downwards towards each of either side, around the rim were oval studs that went all around the black glass. There were two other swirls on the top with the middle sprouting outwards to the sides, having three studs on the bottom that were from biggest to smallest towards the top as well. Finally, this object was an tudor brown color with an deep brass shine; although the chain remained on the back of this object that once belonged to the Evil Queen named Grimhide, where did the hook go?

Just then an lute like tune had played with an rhino and pearl river grey smoke swirling in the middle, creating smog that had begun to form into an inverted bell shaped mask with black eyes and sporting an solemn expression on it's face; although some parts were shrouded in the darkness all around it's surroundings, it quickly blinked twice before remaining silent. This was indeed what Farquaad had needed as Thelonious, the Guards and even Gingy gasped in awe; Lord Farquaad held out his mirror as he smiled, speaking these words as he spoke breathlessly as what he had searched for was now his: "Magic Mirror..." but then at that point, Gingy interrupted

"Don't tell it anything!" Gingy cried out as everyone in the room turned towards him, but Lord Farquaad had enough of this time stalling cookie man and thus silenced him by shoving him into the square shaped bin; with Gingy now screaming out "No!" the sounds of him crying out had silenced afterward as Lord Farquaad approached the Mirror with Thelonious now moving in front of the metal bin, all with an smile on his face

"Evening. Mirror Mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?" He stood proud before the Mirror, but the response he received next was NOT what he wanted

"Well technically you're not a King" Farquaad only frowned

(A/N: In the trailers his response was: Well it's not... perfect, following the previous reaction of Thelonious and the Guards gasping; oh and there's also an scene of the Mirror retreating in fear after he broke the mirror he held. This is quite interesting isn't it? Oh and if you close enough where Thelonious broke the mirror he held, then you can see the Guard on the far right twitch his head back)

"Uh... Thelonious?" Farquaad turned to his right hand man as Thelonious held up an inverted pentagon shaped mirror before breaking it, an sign that the Magic Mirror knew too well from his time with the Evil Queen Grimhide. "You were saying?" Farquaad turned back to face him with an smile, knowing that he'll have to resort to threatening if he does not get his answer

"What I mean is that you're not an King... yet, heh. But you can become one, all you have to do is: Marry a princess" The Magic Mirror responded fast, providing an way for him to make his kingdom how he wanted it to be

"Go on..." Farquaad's interest was most definitely peaked

"Teh.. so.. uh... just sit back and relax my Lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes and heeeerrrreee they are!" The Magic Mirror had moved onto the left side and introduced to him an azure to steel blue wall, featuring not only flowers with an salmon red, air force blue, carrot orange and bumblebee yellow color; but also introducing three dimmed portraits with the left and right being vertical while the middle was horizontal, all of them having an dimmed tiger orange border around them

"Bachelorette 1# is an mentally abused shut in from an kingdom far, far away. She like sushi and hot tubing anytime! Her hobbies included cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters: please welcome Cinderella!" The portrait flipped to the side to show her cooking and cleaning at the same time with an feather duster against an turkish blue background before turning back to reveal an brunette woman in an pineapple to butter yellow gown; putting on an glass slipper in front of some chili red stairs. The sushi and hot tubing part clearly had his interest, that's for sure; but she was clearly married to an prince in order to become an princess, looks like he'll have to do some stealthy bride robbing if he chooses her

"Bachelorette 2# is an cape wearing girl from the land of fancy, although she lives with seven other men she's not easy!" The portrait flipped to side to reveal all seven dwarves with one making an bunny ears gesture behind one, especially as the Mirror joked before continuing on. "Just kiss her dead frozen lips and find out what an lotted wire she is, come one; give it up for: Snoooow White!" The picture lit itself to reveal her in a glass coffin in the green forest, does this seem familiar to you? Farquaad may not see her inviting but he'll take any princess, alive or not at all

"And last but certainly not least: Bachelorette 3# is the fiery red head from an Dragon guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!" The portrait turned horizontally to reveal the Dragon itself before going vertically to reveal the location, swirling with lava as Farquaad covered his eyes with his arm. "But don't let that cool you off, she's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain; yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona!" The image now showed the green dress wearing princess in the window of her tower, looking out with an expression that spelled out her desire to finally be rescued from where her parents had taken her to; now THIS is what got Farquaad really interested, and he didn't have to simply just ask her out just like that...

"So what will it be: Balchorette 1#, Balchorette 2# or Balchorette 3#?" The Magic Mirror asked before going into an drum-roll that would last until Farquaad made his struggling decision, he didn't know who the pick since they were all so inviting; he'll have to preform an heist for Cinderella and have an prince kiss Snow White, but he's just not sure who to choose

The Guards in the background all called out their suggestion for their Lord: "Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!" An Guard had shoved the Captain who was going for Snow White in order to suggest Cinderella, as he held up his finger for number one

"Three? One... Three?" Farquaad was struggling until Thelonious came in with his final choice

"Three! Pick number three, my Lord!" Thelonious held up two fingers

"Okay okay, uh... Number 3#!" Lord Farquaad made his final decision, with the Guards all reacting in silence

"Lord Farquaad, you've chosen: Princess Fiona..." He moved to the left side and revealed the image of his chosen Princess as Rupert Holmes: Escape began playing with the Guards all applauding, even with Thelonious clapping as well

"Princess Fiona... she's perfect, all I have to do is just find someone who can go..." Farquaad thought as he was not going to go by himself, he was just simply not the rescuing type; but the Magic Mirror had realized something and attempted to tell Lord Farquaad the curse of the princess

"But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night" His attempt fell on deaf ears as Farquaad interrupted

"I'll do it!" There was no taking back this decision of his

"Yes, but at sunset-" The Magic Mirror was then silenced by Lord Farquaad as he told him to talk to the hand

"Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen and Duloc will finally have the perfect King. Captain assemble your finest men, we're going to have an tournament!" The Captain of the Guards stood tall in front of his Lord upon hearing his snapping, as Farquaad smiled evilly and declared

No matter what kind of warning he should hear from the Magic Mirror beforehand about the Princess that he had chosen and was going to send someone to rescue, he Lord Farquaad will have his queen and Duloc will be the perfect kingdom; with that order now given the Captain had left to assemble the Duloc Knights to be chosen as the champion, with the runner up being the one to take it's place for if he is unsuccessful which would continue on if the other champion fails. The Magic Mirror in the meantime had vanished, he will not like what he sees if he decides to marry her at sunset

It's definitely not going to be an pretty picture that he would want to see in his dreams that's for sure...


	5. Chapter 5:Shrek VS Duloc Knights

This journey had taken way too long for Shrek throughout the night as he and Donkey had to stop to ask for directions from an bearded man wearing an pointed hat, next thing they know they're walking through the Sunflower field as they soon arrived at the Duloc Lancelot Parking Lot where the people's carriages were parked; although at least two of them had tickets posted by some of the Knights here for some minor offensives they may have caused. The castle was 40 stories high to say the least as the main color scheme for Duloc happened to be sapphire blue and white, seems they're keeping it simple for this place

"But that's it, that's it right there; that's Duloc, I told ya I'd find it" Donkey exclaimed to him as Shrek happened to look up at the very tall castle

"So this is Lord Farquaad's castle..." Shrek raised an eyebrow

"Uh-huh that's the place" Donkey confirmed

"Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?" Shrek chuckled but groaned as Donkey clearly doesn't understand. In the words of the Joker to his girlfriend Harley Quinn: You always taking shots from folks who just don't the get the joke, he walked off through the parking lot as Donkey went after him

"Hey wait, wait up Shrek!" He trotted after him

Outside as they approached the main gates where a man in a red tunic and black pants who also wore red shoes as well, with a large blue eyed Farquaad head as an mascot for Duloc was happily waving at the tan tunic wearing father and pink dress wearing daughter who were running through to get inside to see the tournament. His father told her: "Hurry darling. We're late. Hurry" as they went inside. The mascot underneath the mascot head had long brown hair with a shaved beard with black sleeves. In front of him were sapphire blue velvet rope lines with black square shaped poles that had brass braces around them, with larger ones on the bottom and the biggest black one on the bottom. There was also a sign written in the Bouwsma Uncial font that was written with a white square, it wrote: "45 minute wait from here" on the round edged stone brick layered ground. Finally, the velvet rope lines were all lined up in five rows of a grid in front of the castle tower booths in the front

Shrek did not seem too comfortable with having to talk to this man but if he's going to send his exiled Fairytale Creatures to live in his swamp, then no he's not alright with that at all as he likes his privacy. He began to approach him: "Hey, you!" He reached out to him as the Farquaad Mascot screamed in horror upon seeing him and entered the maze like line of velvet ropes

"Wait a second, look I'm not going to eat you. I just-" Shrek ran over to him as the Farquaad Mascot was on the second row, narrowly tripping over due to the size of the head he wore; but thankfully regained his balance and continued running. "I just-" He reached out his arm once again and attempted to talk to him, wanting to speak to him without having to resort to getting violent; but it seems that his attempts to talk to him have fallen onto the screams that were blind by fear of the ogre before him. He continued running as his shoes skid upon the stone brick laid floor from where he stood, going through each of the lines. Shrek had enough since it was like talking to a brick wall but now that he was left with no choice, he decided to literally cut through the line as he brought down the velvet rope posts with him as he walked through; of course this made him a impatient dick to waiting line cues as the Farquaad Mascot was able to run through due to staying on his feet, but his luck had ran out as he made it out of the fallen maze of velvet ropes and posts before he banged his head on the front of the entrance that he could not fit through due to the size of his head (A/N: By the way the Farquaad Mascot was voiced by a uncredited Andrew Adamson)

Shrek and Donkey looked over him as the former shook his head, it's not Farquaad but he could've used his information to find him at least; nevertheless he went through the rotating object that made one person get through once, with him being stout and such he had to go through sideways and if Farquaad did have a head the size of his mascot then he's really got some problems right there

This is where it should be mentioned that on the left booth of the entrance where the window was, there appeared to be a poster depicting Z from Antz along with the image of Cameron Diaz on the right booth; the former however now that's the kind of movie that Shrek might go ahead and see once he gets his swamp back, from what he's heard about the film it has some swear words like: Hell used more than once, tightass, bitching and even anus involved; no wonder it's a PG rated movie but does that rating mean anything anymore nowadays? Temple of Doom's heart ripping scene caused the PG-13 rating to be established and now G rated movies are for kids, when they're supposed to be for GENERAL audiences. God damn you, Motion Picture Association of America...

Shrek walked forward but heard a sound from behind that made him raise a eyebrow, turning back to find Donkey struggling to get through; which led to him being flipped onto the ground with him no longer stuck, he shook his head and continued forwards where they approached the grassy and flowery square that was designed after Farquaad's blue and happy face. With tall conical and columnar spire trees planted about, carts with horses were stationed and it's houses all featured the previously mentioned snow white and sapphire blue colored houses; but there seemed to be something wrong around here as Shrek turned to face the stationed carts with a dual brass intercom on the top near the far bottom right corner, they seemed to be carrying pink flowers like the rest of the houses that had them resting at the windows

"It's quiet..." Shrek looked around as he saw another section with a house that had yet to be fully painted, with a creeking dairy sign above and Duloc castle shaped bushes on the corners along with lamp posts that also had pink flowers. A cart also had yellow flowers as well just to mix it up a bit. "Too quiet..." Shrek faced the front of the shop known as "Le Old Souvenir Shoppe" that were filled with Farquaad dolls of various sizes, and I wasn't aware that they sell Farquaad dolls that came in a blue and blonde variety; as the shop's sign creeked lightly and swayed about in the wind. Having pink flowers resting in front of the window as all of the doors were colored blue, just about everything looked the same; a rather strange kingdom to say for someone who's visiting this place for the first time, but then of course there was the main question that plagued everyone's thoughts should they find themselves in this type of situation:

"Where is everybody?" Shrek asked seeing no sign of any human around as it looked like that the father and the daughter had suddenly vanished in this ghost town, at least it's not one yet if he and Donkey ever revisit this place for Halloween (A/N: Scared Shrekless which premiered on NBC if you're wondering by the way, it was also originally named Shrek or Treat! which you should be glad the name was changed; not a fan of Thriller Night though...)

"Hey look at this!" Donkey spotted a blue booth that was titled information, with a gold lever that he pulled back; with it making a winding up sound before ticking, Donkey immediately retreated behind Shrek as they watched on. The ticking continued onwards but seemed to be getting faster as they both were prepared to deal of whatever came out those two doors, if it is a fight that's behind them then it will be one that will come to them; the ticking continued it's quickening speed before the doors slightly opened with some music playing. There were puppets of both boys and girls to the left with a jail, having little boys in the jury and a judge; hell there was even a person in jail. The environment had a spinning sun on the top with fenses on the right and the castle on the front, snow tipped mountains and pyramidal trees were on both sides; the houses of course on the left and on top of the castle had six of them playing trumpets, with some cyan edged clouds. Finally as a surprised Shrek and Donkey watched on, they all began to sang

(A/N: I am not a fan of this musical number, but I am tolerant about it enough to accept it; the same could not be said for Shrek Forever After: The Final Chapter, I know some of you may like the film and claim it better than Shrek the Third which deserves no scorn but I think that the third film shits on the fourth film altogether thanks to the drama that was involved because Arthur Pendragon's had the shittiest time at Worchestshire Academy since his father left him there and his only friend Merlin was forced to retire. If you cannot handle my opinion like none of the other students can in the iCarly episode: iMeet Fred, then do not request me to write a story based on the fourth him; because having Shrek wanting to feel like a real ogre for at least one day scaring villagers is reasonable, but stating that he would rather not have rescued Fiona from the tower and stop being a family man with the three children he's raising is not the Shrek that I know and grew up with in 2001. That's just not like him at all, I just can't watch Shrek Forever After and love the film; I hate it... T_T)

Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town (Yeah right...)

Here we have some rules. Let us lay them down: (Alright then, lay 'em down then)

Don't make waves (What, I can't wave to my friends? Dicks...)

Stay in line (No thank you I prefer to cut in line so that I can get to places much faster)

And we'll get along fine (Hmmm... no we won't)

Duloc is perfect place (SAYS WHO?)

Please keep off of the grass (Says every restricted area ever...)

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face (Shrek knew that was not what they were suggesting)

Duloc is, Duloc is

Duloc is perfect place (Bullshit...)

The doors slammed quickly as the puppets went down and the lever returned to it's original position, followed by a blinding flash that sounded like a high pitched whip crack; below the unhelpful information booth is when a picture of a disturbed and puzzled Shrek and Donkey slid out, with a sepia color and words written below reading: "Welcome to Duloc"

A pausing silence had followed afterwards as Donkey was amazed: "Wowww... let's do that again!" He began to gallop over to the lever to pull it again, but Shrek's tiny trumpet ears were irritated to the point of not being able to survive another round of terrible singing from the puppets who had no information about what where to find Lord Farquaad; and so he grabbed Donkey by the tail before yanking him back. "No. No. No, no, no! NO" Shrek bent down on knee and whispered to him about his final answer, he was not willing to listen to the information booth again; it's not worth it since they couldn't even tell him at all. Suddenly, there was a fanfare trumpets in the arena that had birds flying away; setting his sights on the long tunnel ahead, Shrek and Donkey made their way through the shaded entry where Lord Farquaad was announcing the Duloc Tournament

"Brave Knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land, today one of you shall prove himself..." Donkey in the meantime was humming Welcome to Duloc from the information booth, but Shrek was through with having him hum that obnoxious song from those puppets who can't sing and thus he sharply gave him this warning if he didn't shut up:

"All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom" Shrek warned him (A/N: Mike Myers was really very irritated at the directions he was being given and that's one thing that Andrew Adamson can't help but add that in, at least it's more reasonable than in Blade: Trinity when Wesley Snipes literally strangled the director and was being very uncooperative during production. Believe it or not he left sticky notes as his response that all wrote: "Leave it in post" whenever he was asked about something)

"Sorry 'bout that" Donkey hung his head, he really didn't want to have his bottom smacked; god forbid it if his cantankerous old woman of a owner returned to seek vengeance on him, thanks to Shrek he'll never have to see her again. As they entered inside of the arena, there was everything on the kaleidoscope II textured taupe stone ground they were standing on

There were manchester and hazelwood tan striped cabana tents with sapphire blue square dots all about along with a merlon and embrassure pattern that hung on the bottom end of the top. There were studded corner edged tables that had decagon shaped mugs filled with root beer, with giant barrels of them; there were some haystacks nearby the horse pens with three of each sapphire blue ropes on the top to bottom and the turnbuckles were studded twice with stubby pyramid shaped spikes along with metal square rings on the top and a wooden ribbed pyramid on top. The horses were brown and white stallions who were adorned with shining armor that a darker blue color, with some darker red saddles mounted on them; with a three row wooden board gate for their pen that had one diagonally crossed down towards the other side. A cart along with some larger stacks of hay that had three archer targets in a row lined up horizontally, one had three arrows while the second had none and the third had one. On the south of the horse/wrestling pen happened to be a guillotine like structure with a chained hook used for raising, while there was a saddle on top of the seat; a octogonal shaped studded rim box with ringed handles was also nearby, what exactly was it's purpose for? There were also two larger tents with three thick triangle stripe pattern on the top rim on each side, an stack that held some halberds; one of the larger tents of course had a red color in place of blue just to mix it up a bit which was found behind the dual root beer barrels. The rest of the arena featured blue shields with flagpoles that had pendant shaped flags, the entire kingdom had been gathered here where Lord Farquaad had begun to speak to the Duloc Knights below him

These Duloc Knights who were the Captain of the Guard's finest men were all lined together in a group, they each had different colored sets of armor as some of them were tall while few were short; no matter the differences as they each had their own choice of animal found on their chestplates with various helmet types that of course had no small holes anywhere on them. Some of these mercenaries wore small t-visor barbutes, crusader great helms, landsknechts with a short studded bill, deep visor sallets, bascinets with a pigface on the front, smooth sugarloaf helmets and crusader barrel helms; two of them who both wore the latter helmets were adorned with black and white horns on the upper sides near the thick studded rims on the flat surface of the top. They all carried weapons of various types as well: swords with long and fullerless silver blades that had medium length ingot shaped crossguards that were lightly hammered to the sides, slightly towards the top as well; featuring two small medallions on the top and bottom with a small ridge in the middle, the handle was ribbed horizontally with another two medallions on the bottom on top of the bulb for the pommel. Others included double bladed to edged axes, halbards of course and one crusader barrel helm knight had a morning star mace with cylinder shaped spikes. Finally, although they looked unsure about having to go up against the Dragon; especially when the barbute helmet wearing knight standing next to the bacinet raven/crow knight looked at the sugarloaf helm friend of his, they were ready to become the champion of Duloc's tournament that the mighty ruler Lord Farquaad hosted to his people as everything became clear to Shrek and Donkey:

Duloc does not look like a kingdom at all, it felt more like a theme park that would've been nice to visit and have fun had it not been for Lord Farquaad exiling the Fairytale Creatures to his swamp by dumping them all on his property; speaking of which this is what was being spoken by him as Shrek and Donkey slowly walked forwards:

"That champion shall have the honor- no, no- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the Dragon! If for any reason the winner is unseccessful, the first runner-up will take his place; and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make" Farquaad proclaimed his bullshit bluffs as he had no intentions on making it himself, instead letting them take it for him while he takes the credit in the end

Shrek and Donkey looked around and found a mullet beard man in a cyan blue tunic with darker blue sleeves holding up the Duloc color themed retangular sign that wrote: "Applause" as the audience did just that. It was then that Lord Farquaad annouced:

"Let the tournament begin!" He annouced to the Duloc Knights below, but Shrek just frowned and decided to interrupt the beginning of the games; they all turned back to face him and broke away from each other as they were startled by the sudden appearance of a ogre which caught them all off guard. Lord Farquaad looked down to face Shrek as the audiance yelled out and screamed in horror. "What is THAT?!" who would dare interrupt his tournament to rescue the beloved princess? It was at this time that audience was silenced as Farquaad retched in disgust: "OGH! It's hideous" Shrek's trumpet ears were raised

"Ah that's not very nice" He turned to face Donkey who nodded. "It's just a donkey" The former made a sound of confusion as Lord Farquaad was struck with a flash of inspiration which was rare in times like these. "Indeed... Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named Champion! Have it him!" He pointed towards Shrek as the Duloc Knights were now slowly approaching him

"Get him!" Men called out as Shrek was forced to back up

"Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now" Shrek was not intending to do anything rash beforehand as he ran out of retreating room; bumping into the tables as he grabbed a mug and turned to face the Knights

"Can't we just settle this over a pint?" He happily offered as the Knights raised their swords, axes, halberds and mace with Donkey retreating under the tables and moving out and an villager calling out: "Kill the beast!"

"No? All right then" He gulped down the root beer from the mug and turned to face the spigot tap on the barrel in front of him. "Come on!" He yelled as he smashed the spigot off from the barrel behind him as it shot out against the Knights who were struck, while the one on the left with the black horns was not struck but merely passed out due to the achohol fumes. Shrek then ran off as the barrel fully exploded and spilled out to the ground that was now like mud, many of the Knights slipping and falling to the ground; he grabbed a fallen one's halberd and smacked one against his knees, from this point forward chaos ruled on

Donkey climbed onto the top of the second barrel whose spigot was mysteriously missing as if someone took it, two Knights who happened to have a green and gold color scheme with one having horns and the second who did not found themselves doomed as they could only shake their heads back and forth to the sides. Due to the weight of the barrel it fell forwards and squished them, with Lord Farquaad questioning what was happening; Shrek then found the group of six Knights running towards them as Donkey ran over four of them, leaving the horned and sallet helmet wearing Knights with green and gold armor running to attack him

Shrek climbed over the wrestling ring as the horse leaped out of the way followed by the two Knights, who got up against the ropes and double clotheslined them both to the ground; with at least a few in the audiance clapping (A/N: Look closely and pause when they're booing at first, you see it) A Knight came in with his mace before Shrek caught him with a headscissors takedown as Donkey was hanging by and watched him fight as the barrel he's riding earlier stopped in front of the wall. After preforming a flying crossbody onto his next opponent, a Knight with a rearing horse raised his halberd to stab the ogre as the audience gasped; but Shrek disarmed and caught him in a full nelson hold. "Hey, Shrek tag me! Tag me!" He called out as he brought him over by the head and Donkey delivered a heatbutt that sent him to the ground, although it made him shake off his dizziness; with the audiance now cheering for him. He climbed onto the turnbuckle and reveled in his glory but turned when the green and gold sallet Knight was back to sneak up behind him, jumping off to preform a flying thesz press that slammed him to the ground

"The chair, give him the chair!" A old woman called out to him as the Knight attempted to get back up, only for Shrek to slam him back to the ground with a wooden chair to the head which if one were to look closely; it had the words written in the sencil cargo army font: "Property of Duloc" on the top board which was bent afterwards, Lord Farquaad could not believe this was happening but the audiance was having too much fun watching this match; with a woman and her friend laughing in enjoyment. Shrek dealt with the next Knight by preforming the irish whip before dropkicking him, the raven/crow chestplate wearing Knight was slammed to the ground by a vertical suplex while the cyan clover Knight tried to escape Shrek's ankle lock but could not reach the ropes as he was doomed. The second to last was beatened to the ground with a kneeling piledriver and the final Knight was spinning in his arms, preforming the UFO as Shrek purposely lost his grip to throw him against the turnbuckle; as Donkey landed a burrow kick to the helmet, with the ding ending the match. Shrek climbed out of the wrestling ring with each and every Knight who were the Captain of the Guard's finest men assembled laid beaten to the very floor and the flooded puddle of root beer rippling through as the ogre made it to the center of the arena

"Oh yeah! Arghh! Arrggghh! Thank you, thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha ha hahaha!" Shrek laughed heartily as never did so many people like him and he actually enjoyed himself doing what he loved the most. Lord Farquaad thought to himself as this is the one who will go out to the fiery keep of the Dragon's Castle and resuce the lovely Princess Fiona, he then gave the order to silence everyone by directing their crossbows at their victorious ogre and his animal

"Shall I give the order, sir?" He asked silently

"No, I have a better idea" Farquaad responded as he then addressed the villagers: "People of Duloc, I give you our champion!" Everyone cheered as they all praised their victorious winner as Shrek's face turned to that of astonishment, note the blue shield on the southwest corner of the arena entrance

"What?" Shrek could not understand what was happening here, not only did someone remove the blue shield behind him on the southwest corner of the arena entrance but now Lord Farquaad has declared him their new champion. Now he's going to get more than a lot to hear from him!

"Congratulations ogre, you've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest" Lord Farquaad declared happily, but Shrek only frowned

"Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back" Shrek explained

"Your swamp?" Lord Farquaad asked, with a face that looked like Shrek has made a awful stink and if he did make one; then everyone will die

"Yeah, my swamp! Where YOU dumped those Fairytale Creatures!" Shrek accused and pointed to him, now he's really gotten himself in between a rock and a hard place; but Lord Farquaad had no fear since in truth Shrek did not really own the swamp because it's apart of his lordship, it was used as his dumping ground for the Fairytale Creatures after he's exiled them from their home here in Duloc. Unfortunately though, he still could not find out the reason if Gingy was telling him the truth that the woman whom the Muffin Man was married to was the leader of the resistance who opposes his rule; by disturbing his solitary life he's allowed him to come here to win against his finest men of Knights, if he's going to do such thing then he's always got a backup plan like this if things like these happen. This is his backup plan:

"Indeed. All right, ogre I'll make you a deal: Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back" He offered as flashes of inspiration came to him more than once

"Exactly the way it was?" Shrek wanted to make sure of it

"Down to the last slime covered toadstool" Lord Farquaad added onto his offer

"And the squatters?" Shrek wanted them to leave as well

"As good as gone!" Farquaad exclaimed

A silence followed as Shrek glanced at the crossbow wielding Knights above the wall before returning back to Lord Farquaad as he asked this question

"What kind of quest?" Shrek asked as there was a sound of what appeared to be laughing in the background, however it was merely just a bird in the sky

* * *

I never really update this novelization too much so in order to make up for the absence of chapters, I've decided to give you the appearance on what the book in the beginning of the two first films looks like; enjoy:

This Book was an dark mountain oak and espresso brown color. On the front cover had four squares with double round rectangular borders that were close to each other but not together. The top right and bottom left side had four lines with two short strokes across on all four sides of the squares while the diagonal edges were had an X-cross. The top left and bottom right had chimeras with the top left having a rectangular and the bottom right having an square shaped head whose ends of the tails looked like an three leaf clover, both had horns and the same body although the top left was slightly bigger than the other as both were in the same pose: situated on the left side with their right paw up with their right leg forward while their left leg remained straight, their tails went upwards before curving to the left and curving back to the right. The spine of the Book had double parallel ridges on the top and bottom, all parts of the Book were raised and made of slightly fuzzy linen. Finally when opened up, the pages were an creamy oat tan color while the illustrations were quite really simplistic but fascinating to look at; the gold that was used was really reflective and colorful with a unique artstyle layered atop the pages

The following fonts below were used for the Book in the beginning of both Shrek and Shrek 2, this is what the fonts are:

The text is: Bouwsma Uncial

The square shaped capital letter is: PetitFleur

The outer shaped capital letter is: Lime Glory Caps

Finally, I have one last thing for you as it's something I found in the artbook's spreadsheet; I actually found the other side of the page that Shrek ripped out, it depicts a knight stabbing the terrible fire-breathing Dragon in the throat with his shining blade while on his horse and the words write: "And so it came to pass that a brave knight came to her rescue, and with a kiss broke the fearful enchantment. The whole kingdom celebrated on their wedding day" the second part you know because it was seen right before the book was closed by him, it's the first part I was curious about. If you don't believe me then take type in this link since you can't highlight it from this sight, this is the address: just type in Thisisopus and look for Shrek-Spread-1

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. Chapter 6:I'm On My Way

Back at the fields of the sunflowers Shrek and Donkey had made their departure from Duloc and were now on their way to the Dragon's Castle, they stood happily in the sun and basked in the warm rays of the sun as that happiness was soon halted from being bent over to make room for a smelly 'ol ogre and an animal who did not seem to learn how to shut up. Shrek had picked up a few snacks from the farm they were walking through which included a onion and some cornstalks

"Ok let me get this straight: you're gonna go fight a Dragon and rescue a Princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that about right?" Donkey recapped what happened so far as Shrek breathed out and turned to face him

"You know, maybe there's a good reason Donkeys shouldn't talk" He's got a point there y'know, whatever the reason may be; it will be one lesson that will help them sneak in since they're not really going to slay the Dragon, they're just going to silently take her away and it'll never know they were here. Unfortunately though, fate is never too kind to what happens when they reach and enter the place; since Donkey can't keep his mouth from blabbering all about. Shrek threw a cornstalk back and continued walking through the field of squashes, which he happened to crush one with his brown crocodile leather shoe while Donkey followed behind

"I don't get it Shrek, why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him: throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trick?" Donkey shook his head and listed some suggestions to get his swamp back, all of them involving hurting Lord Farquaad; Shrek was munching on a onion and then perked up with a idea

"Oh I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?" Shrek slowly stopped as he mocked him on what he should've done before moving again, asking him at the end

"Uh, no.. not really, no" Donkey felt ill by the idea and such sight, he may have seen him roar but to drink one's fluids were to suffer blood poisoning; unless in fact, Shrek was a Vampogre from the beginning!

"For your information there's a lot to ogres than people think" Shrek stated as they now passed over into a cabbage field, thank god they're not on Mildew's cabbage field seen on Berk because he'll be really angry as he's got enough on his hands with them damn Dragons; now he's got to deal with a ogre like him. But then again, Shrek will not only make a suit from his freshly peeled skin but also shave his liver for the Dragons to enjoy; before he finally ends it all by squeezing the jelly from his eyes onto his toast, since they are good according to him. At least that will teach him for attempting to exile Toothless who was not the cause of the storms on Berk and for betraying Hiccup and the Dragon Riders, two times in a row I might say

"Example?" Donkey asked

"Example? Okay u,, ogres are like onions" Shrek held out his onion as Donkey took a good whiff of it but immediately retracted

"They stink?" Donkey asked upon wriggling that little snout of his

"Yes... NO!" Shrek dropped the rest of his snacks onto the ground as he caught on, they may stink but that was not the example he meant; sometimes due to his lack of communication with other people as they always judge him before getting to know him better, he's just not that very good at making analogies

"They make you cry!" Donkey guessed

"No!" Shrek has never heard of a ogre making someone cry

"Oh you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs" Donkey took another guess once again since he did see it turn brown, but Shrek has finally lost his cool

"NO, layers!" Shrek ripped his onion in half to show it's layers. "Onions have layers. Ogres have layers, onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers!" Shrek threw the onion onto the ground before marching off, breathing out as Donkey bent over to sniff the onion

"Oh, you both have layers.. oh" Donkey shook his head upon retracting at the smell. "You know, not everybody likes onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cakes, cakes have layers" Donkey galloped after Shrek as he made the comparison between him and cakes

"I don't CARE... what everyone likes, ogres are not like cakes" Shrek softly told him before moving on, he was beginning to reach his boiling point; Donkey better stop while he still has the chance

"You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits (tall glass dessert consisting of layers made of ice cream, fruit and what not) Have you ever met a person, you say 'Let's get some parfait' they say 'Hell no, I don't like no parfait'? Parfaits are delicious" Donkey galloped in front of him as he continued to make Shrek run out of his cool tolerance before he finally broke the meter at the end

(A/N: I had no idea that Donkey said "Hell no" in the film, I never had the subtitles on when I had the DVD once and the VHS doesn't allow me to enable them sadly; I may have watched the film enough times to know what happens but it's a classic fairytale that's as twisted as Disney's A Twisted Tale book series that revolve around what might've been had the villain emerged victorious over the heroes)

"NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions, end of story; bye-bye, see ya' later..." He whispered at the end as Shrek left the area that was full of sheaves of wheat, if one was to look carefully then the stalks were cut and not pulled up; where exactly where they cut from? There is only bare earth all around them after all. Donkey stood there for a moment and did not have a look of indifference on him, before he continued to follow him through the fields of corn

"Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet" Donkey declared

"You know, I think I preferred your humming" Shrek stated in his irritated tone, although he was finished with his outburst

"Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess, just the word parfait makes me start slobbering" Donkey asked and explained his predicament

Throughout their journey on their way to the Dragon's Castle they passed through the trees and saw a windmill in the distance, they both knew that they would come back here when the time to return Princess Fiona comes; passing on by and climbing up the hill throughout their mission at hand. Just as the sun was setting they had to stop in order for Donkey drain himself since it appeared that he had a little too much to drink back at the Duloc arena, that root beer was quite the damn good taste he's talking about; once he was done from behind the large tree, they continued forward from down the hill

Night fell upon Shrek and Donkey as they walked throughout the trail of green clovers and purple flowers, with tall and towering monoliths that were spread about throughout their trail; with the moon bathing them and casting shadows upon the land, while the clouds in the sky were swirling around to blanket the stars that twinkled. Once they found a meadow of a field they eventually decided to stop just outside of a forest when it got too dark for them to continue any further. Sleeping by a fire place for warmth as Shrek tossed over to the other side

The next morning the fire pit burned out but there were still some flames sprouting and Shrek tried putting it out with his shoe, which got really hot and made him hold his foot in burning pain and shake it off as he was having a bit of a issue in doing so; Donkey thankfully put the fire out the old fashioned away by taking a piss on it, getting an disgruntled look from him in return but that was not to say he was unappreciative to say the least. Nevertheless, they moved on throughout the meadow fields and when they found rock formations that pointed to their destination; they stopped underneath the shadows while Shrek had his hands on his waist, looks like they've reached their destination and there was just a few more steps to go. It was a massive and tall volcano of a mountain up ahead with swirling clouds that stood above while it was red in the center

They made their way up the volcano of a mountain with sharp jagged stones pointed to what was awaiting inside for them and backwards on the dried ground that was filled to the very brim with ashes of what dried up in this canyon of sorts with dead trees still standing to this day. There was some smoke that came out and the sky had become splintered with dark indigo clouds against the stone and slate blue background, just then as they passed by the stone formations; a foul smell had filled the snout of Donkey and as he reared back in a sudden move

"Ohh! Shrek did you do that? Man you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off, my mouth was open and everything" Donkey complained as he went to side of Shrek to avoid the smell with the ogre grinning and turning to face him

"Believe me, Donkey; if it was me... you'd be dead!" Shrek got up to close to him before pausing to get himself a sniff of the rocky and steamy canyon like environment's air. "It's brimstone, we must be getting close" Shrek stated as he came up against the wall that was supposed to house Princess Fiona, climbing the wall

"Yeah right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone, I know what I smell and it wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither" Donkey continued complaining as he followed Shrek up the wall. A crack of lightning struck as Shrek hung his hands over the edge followed by Donkey with his hooves, reaching up before stopping dead in their tracks to look at the location before them:

Below them was a pillar with two of them next to each other on the left with a wall on the back that was short, what lied before them was a rope bridge that has stood for all who have sent themselves to meet their doom as it acted like the entrance to the monolith of what was known as the place where all Knights who have attempted to save the princess have never returned back alive. The aged and half stable bridge was made of wood planks which were a 8" wide and thick at 5/4, being at normal to slightly long length as they were slightly thinner and slanted to the edges due to the rope bindings also being found at the bottom. The bottom of the planks that were sitting atop the bottom rope bindings were lashed in a narrow x-cross formation with five planks in between the bindings and two for in between the parallel and diagonal pattern of the ropes on the sides, it swayed slowly to the sides as from below; a sea of boiling lava that was a very deep and bright salamander and soundcloud orange with slurring patterns of pineapple and bumblebee yellow shades that acted like the seafoam of the fires below them, sprouting upwards like embers that combusted into flares. But it was the main attraction of the Dragon's Castle that acted as the total eye candy for all adventurers who abandon their hope, for who may enter within

The front of the entrance featured two ruined statues of knights who had their swords that rests in front of them, although the left had most of it's left leg split and the right lost it's left arm; both of whom lost their upper bodies with four ropes attached to the bridge that admits the failed saviors of the princess to the other side. The main building's left side had a broken wall that was once a tower before being smashed while the right had a tower kept intact but even then was not safe from the damage. The far left tower had a damaged cone on top while the two in front were both missing their front walls as it looked like it's ribcage was exposed, the one the on right was missing a left chunk of the wall while the far right was hidden behind the other ruined parts of the structure. The large tower in the middle featured holes all around on it's cone and the tallest tower where a window that gave off a bright sun yellow light as a beacon to where Princess Fiona was locked away, no one has made it up to her room as of now; but that was all about to change as the building stood atop the massive pinnacle that held the fate of the Knights who seek to prove themselves worthy to earn her hand for glory and to find someone whom they have fallen in love with, not to mention this was the least damaged tower of them all and still looked very well constructed up to this day. But not for long when the shenanigans inside are bound to follow. Finally, the Dragon's Castle was entirely in a dark spruce and denim blue to eggplant purple undertone; with the lava further lighting the derelict and ruined stronghold in a glow of scarlet, maroon, firebrick and carmine red

"Sure it's big enough, but look at the location!" Shrek laughed heartily as he climbed over the wall and walked towards the bridge, to Donkey however this looked horrifying; and decided to talk to him

"Uh Shrek, uh remember when you said that uh that, that that.. that ogres have layers?" Donkey climbed down and followed him

"Oh, aye?" Shrek replied

"Well I have a bit of confession to make" Donkey was spooked by the skeleton of a horse that too suffered the same fate of the Knights who did not return alive from inside. "Donkey's don't have layers, we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves" He came to where Shrek was, who stood next to the bridge

"Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!" Shrek told him in a light hearted tone

"You know what I mean" He stated

"Well you can't tell me you're afraid of heights" Shrek showed him the bridge with his arm as he claimed, that was very last thing he would rather hear should they perish and fall into the bowels of the underworld

"No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being a on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!" Donkey bellowed out at the end as he looked down

"Come on Donkey I'm right here beside you, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time" Shrek tapped him from behind onto the bridge

"Really?" Donkey's fear was starting to fade

"Really, really" Shrek assured as they began moving

"Okay, that makes me feel so much better" Donkey replied

"Just keep moving, and don't look down" Shrek told him

"Okay, don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down; keep on moving, don't look down" Donkey repeated to himself as Shrek shook his head and breathed one out

However it was then that they were halfway across the bridge when Donkey had stepped on a rotting board that was ready to break, with it's left end still standing while the plank fell to the lava; followed by the end that still stood afterwards. "Shrek, I'm looking down!" He turned to him. "Oh god I can't do this, just left me off please!" He begged him out of fear

"But you're already halfway" Shrek told him as they were in the middle of the bridge

"But I know that half is safe!" Donkey pointed his hoof back to the other side

"Okay fine, I don't have time for this; you go back" Shrek urged forwards as Donkey wouldn't go anywhere near beyond the missing plank in the bridge

"Shrek, no wait!" Donkey yelled

"Just, Donkey- oh let's have a dance then shall we?" Shrek tried to get past him

"Come on, no Shrek just wait!" Donkey struggled to get past him

"Donkey, come on!" Shrek stomped as the bridge bounced and swayed, sending him into a panic and having him go over to the other side where the missing plank once was

"OOH, don't do that!" Donkey just wanted to reach over to safety as Shrek mockingly apologized to him

"Oh I'm sorry, do what?" Shrek thought for a moment before realizing: "Oh, this?" He bounced and swayed the bridge again

"Yes, that!" Donkey responded

"Yes? Yes, do it; okay!" Shrek teased him and continued to bounce the bridge as he backed Donkey across

"No, Shrek! No! Stop it!" He cried out

"You said do it, I'm doin' it!" Shrek reminded him what he wanted him to do

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die; Shrek, I'm gonna die" Donkey stepped onto solid ground as he could feel his whole skeleton shivering in the chilling cold that was fear itself until he opened his eye and realized he made it across: "Oh!"

"That'll do, Donkey. That'll do" Shrek petted him on the sides before moving on towards the Dragon's Castle in front of him. "Cool" Donkey followed as he then asked him

"So where is this fire-breathing pain in the neck anyway?" Donkey asked as he hopped over a broken ridge in between the almost demolished real bridge

"Inside, waiting for us to rescue her" Shrek replied as he passed through some fallen bricks and stones, chuckling as he entered in first

"I was talkin' about the Dragon, Shrek" Donkey responded quickly

The front entrance featured two broken top towers with the doors opened widely for them, and as Shrek and Donkey entered within; they knew that from this point onward that they would either rescue Princess Fiona from within the fiery keep, or parish inside of this castle's cursed walls to never return from wherever the Dragon has decided that will be their final resting place. But Shrek had no intentions of resting just yet, not until he's got his swamp back from Lord Farquaad; because he's got a plan that does not involve slaying the guardian of this castle, he intends of taking Princess Fiona out of the tallest tower without letting it know they were here as mentioned before. The Dragon would be asleep most of the time, so that right there is the perfect opportunity...


	7. Chapter 7:Dragon's Castle

From deep within the derelict and ruined environment that was the Dragon's Castle there were many battles between the Dragon and the Knights who attempted to rescue Princess Fiona as Shrek and Donkey entered what remained of the main hall inside. There was a dark hole in the wall that was outlined by the red glow of the lava but mostly shrouded in the shadows, next there was a pair of greaves that stood above but where burned to the bone; followed by the fallen and broken segmented pillar where there was a large and deep ravine in the floor that led below to the lava where steam and smoke rose above. Most of the castle was shrouded in the shadows of the darkness and the two primal dominant colors were a maroon to crimson red where the lava lied below and outside and spruce to denim blue; where the storming sky swirled high above like a vortex that appeared to give off the dark powers of sinister malevolence, what lied within was not seen. Staircases and broken statues were everywhere, but there were also something else that I feel that I should mention out to the heroes who looked around nervously:

Shrek and Donkey did not see the Dragon wherever it may be and slept, but what they could see all around them were the evidence of all those whose remains now found their final rest here in these derelict ruins; it was all around them littered about with more than the corpses of previous rescue attempts that lied about on the floor. Burned bones and charred skeletons wearing scorched armor from long ago were sprawled about the floor, these were the remains of the other Knights who had tried to save and rescue Princess Fiona; but they foolishly chose to slay the Dragon before doing so or tried to get past it, only for them to be burned from the flesh and very deeply scorched to the bone. Donkey was trembling and raving in fear as he asked Shrek this question

"You afraid?" He silently asked

"No, but... shh!" Shrek replied and silenced Donkey, he didn't want the Dragon to know they're here; because once they're out, they were never there in the first place and he intends to follow through on his plan to stealthily sneak through. A in and out plan one may call it, once they're in they're comin' out; simple as that

"Oh good, me neither..." Donkey put on a false bravado of a calm exterior as he looked back and saw a skeleton of a Knight, gasping as he galloped after Shrek; not wanting to be left behind. "Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid, fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add" Donkey followed Shrek up the stairs and walked through the hall's east wing as he veered too far to the right and jumped back from the skeleton Knight; continuing to speak his mind: "With a Dragon that breathes fire and eats Knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared; I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that" Shrek shook his head and breathed one out

However Donkey was too distracted to see where he was going and thus crashed into a pile of dead Knights with their halberds falling, and the open faced barbute wearing skeleton rearing back; as soon as Donkey looked back up the skeleton's head snapped off and spooked him further as he had a helmet that strangely could fit the head of someone like a ogre, but if Shrek's going to rescue Princess Fiona and use Donkey's help in doing so then he's going to have to establish two things first beforehand. Still though, that helmet size is a bit... coincidental to fit onto someone like a ogre; none of that mattered as he told him and counted with his fingers: "Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up, now go over there and see if you can find any stairs" Shrek pulled the helmet of one of the dead Knights off from Donkey, he directed him to the west; although there were more than bad vibes coming from within what remained from the ballroom inside, he was at least going to let Donkey make himself useful in this god forsaken place

This large ogre sized helmet he took had a round conical cap on the top with a thick metal sweatband visor on the forehead, with the visor being shaped diagonally towards the bottom; grilled with short to tall lines in a row of five on either sides, it was enough to conceal his identity and face as well as keep his green skin on his neck hidden. He then picked up a four segmented shoulder guard for his right and a three segmented one for his left due to no matching pair, but did it really matter to him? He also picked up some knee guards as well, gotta have some protection if he's going to end up confronting the Dragon; may not be much but there's no other pieces of armor that can fit a ogre like him, trust me he looked everywhere but he could not find anything else because those armor pieces were as big as they come

"Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for a princess" Donkey looked to where Shrek directed him to and seemed puzzled

"The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room, in the tallest tower" Shrek reached down to pick up some bracers as well from the pile of rocks, weapons and three dead Knights that also came with some brown gloves for hide his green hands

"What makes you think she'll be there?" Donkey asked

"I read it in a book once" Shrek responded as he flipped the visor down and walked off, of course now he's going to have to replace his copy of the book because one of the pages is missing; do I need to explain what happened to the missing page that was ripped out? We'll say that there was some deep green and fleshy ravines that needed some serious cleaning, there we go; that'll give you the idea of what happened

"Cool. You handle the Dragon, I'll handle the stairs; I'll find those stairs, I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going" Donkey walked off as he opened the right door of the ruined ballroom, still fantasizing about himself and not once shutting up at all because there was something lurking within; something forbidden inside: "I'm gonna take drastic steps, kick it to the curb; don't mess with me, I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs, I wish I had a step right here; I'd step all over it" Donkey continued strutting and walked up in front of the hole in the wall where a scaly eye opened, awakening to look at who would dare enter inside it's domain; Donkey didn't even realize it until it was far too late

Thus, Donkey made the grave mistake that would led to his meeting with a certain person that he would come to know as his true love in the future: had he kept his mouth shut and moved slowly hidden from sight when he entered the vicinity of the ruined ballroom within the Dragon's Castle, he would be home free... (A/N: For a long while I thought he said: "Oh" when in actuality he said: "Well" faint memories, go figure right?)

Shrek continued walking forward as there was the sound of growling within the walls, that can not end well at all as he fitted his left bracer on his arm and stopped when he looked up in front of what remained of the castle's outdoor square as he found the tallest tower in just a few moments not long after entering; as it was the one with the glowing yellow light that came from the window above. "Well, 'least we know where the Princess is; but where's the-" Shrek looked around when he was suddenly cut off by Donkey screaming

"DRAGON!" Donkey screamed out as he took off running when a blast of billowing flames were fired from the hole within the ruined ballroom, leaving the ballroom and running back to Shrek as fast as his stubby little hooves could take him. Suddenly there was a large crashing sound from behind as the doors came falling down, although it's appearance was shrouded there was a clear idea on what it looked like. Donkey continued running and jumped over the skeletons of dead Knights while the Dragon crushed them underneath, having their bones and whatnot scattering into the air with some dust flying about

(A/N: The billowing flame I mentioned came from the HTTYD Wiki's Boneknapper page, I decided to use it's fire type to describe the blasts she fires; after all it fit's her description and looked similar thanks to the pictures I looked at)

Shrek turned to face Donkey on the right and saw the Dragon chasing after him, god dammit Donkey; now he could say goodbye to his original plan he intended on following up, but he still intends on rescuing Princess Fiona weather it likes it or not. The Dragon continued to chase Donkey until it stood bipedally on it's talons and fired out a billowing flame towards it's intruders, who found that there were not one but two of them. It was at this point that Shrek knew Donkey wasn't going to outrun it, so he pushed him to the side: "Donkey look out, agh!" Shrek dodged to the left side but Donkey believed he was done for as the smoke blocked his view, he continued to run until another billowing flame was sent and he was forced to duck for it; his tail especially got burned and fell down. "Ahh!" The Dragon approached from behind and was about to bite at him until it turned to face no one other than Shrek who had gotten a hold onto it's spade tipped tail. "Gotcha!" Irritated, it was distracted and allowed Donkey to run up to the stairs where the catwalk led further up to the tallest tower; Shrek's plan worked out

The Dragon began to wave it's tail about to shake and get the ogre in shining armor off, but Shrek is not the one to let go that easily; with a might swing he was sent flying off in the air like a superhero. "Ah whoa, whoa, whoaaaaaaghhhhhhh!" Shrek had his arms shot out forward as he was going to brace for the impact, while the Dragon looked from above and stood up; relieved that he was no longer standing in it's way because now it's still got Donkey to deal with. Shrek continued to fly high into the sky until he found himself hitting the conical rooftop of the tallest tower; "Ough!" He broke through and crashed from the roof, even bringing down the chandelier with him on the way down; being knocked out in the process. The chandelier's rim hung from chains to the center of the ceiling, with each cylinder on the smooth ribbed spine going towards the bottom of the center which looked like a sun that had it's pointed ends curved downwards to the sides. The beautiful baldaquin had green emerald green sashes with some gold markings and edges on the top, tied to the sides against the upwards with three steps up on the front and a decorated red, blue and gold carpet on the front; the bed featured a flower vase on the right side where it stood on the table and a cylinder shaped pillow where the princess slept, all while there were lit torches that lit up the room and a window in the front with transparent curtains surrounding the back and left to right sides. Shrek's sudden and unexpected crash through the ceiling had caused him to be knocked out so badly, that he did not notice Princess Fiona jerking upwards; awakening from her sleep and causing the white daisy flowers to fall to the floor, now that's one hell of a way to make a entrance alright

In the meantime however the fight skirmish continued as the Dragon fired off it's billowing flames into the base of the tower where Donkey began to run along the bridge connected to the other side, where it broke off the left side to prevent him from getting to the other side to escape: "Ah!" and the right side to stop him in his tracks: "Oh!; even breaking off more of the left as he was now trapped on the newly made pinnacle. "Oh ah.. ahhh..." He go no further nor backwards as he trembled in fear before the tall Dragon shrouded in the shadows the lava kept it within a threatening red glow

"No. Oh, no, no!" Donkey slowly backed up but kicked a rock off as he was about to slip off from the pinnacle he was trapped on. "Oh, what large teeth you have" Receiving a growling roar in response for that accidental blurt of his: "I mean white, sparkling teeth; I know you probably hear this all time from you food but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-" He was interrupted in his attempt to spare himself a few moments before death in order to think of a plan, although what he did not expect was that the Dragon appeared to have taken his compliments on it's fangs and let out a soft rumble before bowing closer to him; revealing it's gender

Dragon stood at 100 feet long and 30 meters from snout to leg with her scales being a magenta red color with a salmon to flamingo and crepe pink horizontally lined underbelly, with maroon spikes upon her back; with white fang like spikes on her cheeks, she had webbed ears that looked like tiny version of her bat like wings; with razor sharp bronze to black claws and a spade tipped prehensile tail. Her eyes were a green/yellow color and appeared to have lipstick and eyelashes, though let's say that they were natural markings to avoid any and all errors in identifying her as a male. Finally, she sported a diamond pattern on her scales and appeared very familiar to him; but that was mostly because he felt that he was destined to find and even be together since she was his true love all this time, still all of it remained unclear to him as of now and this time because he's got himself trapped on a pinnacle in the middle due to both sides being destroyed

"You're a girl Dragon- oh sure! I mean, of course you're a girl Dragon; you're just reeking of feminine beauty" Smittened by his further compliments and comments, her eyes fluttered but Donkey did not seem to understand: "What's the matter with you, you got something in your eye?" It was then that Dragon blew a smoke ring in the shape of a heart: "Ohh. Oh. Oh man, I'd really love to stay but you know I'm uh..." He coughed and blew the smoke away with his hoof. "I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings, Shrek!" Donkey turned around and called out for his friend, with Dragon carrying him by the tail from the pinnacle that was once a bridge and happily left the ruined square and back to her treasure hoard with Donkey once again calling out: "Ahhh no! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!" No one could hear him scream out for help as Dragon returned to the shadows of the derelict and ruined stronghold, as his cries vanished out of earshot since in his heart he knew he was not a very brave animal (A/N: The reason why Mushu was voiced by Eddie Murphy's voice doppelganger in Mulan II which is not a bad sequel was because the former was busy with Shrek 2, I thought that the former came out in 2006 but it actually came out in 2004 where the best of the Shrek trilogy was released; faint memories again unfortunately...)

Back with Shrek who had regained his consciousness, shaking himself and looking to the left as he groaned due to the impact; Princess Fiona had wondered if the day had come at last as she smiled for the first time since she was born with her parents in Far Far Away, this was her true love who came for her as her savior. She was very excited because this was the moment her whole life as years of being imprisoned had done very little to calm her morning type of person that she was, now her Prince Charming had come as the Knight in shining armor got up from his knees and brushed himself off from that quite the entrance he made; her thoughts went to him wooing her with poetry and dazzling her with heroics, but Shrek really just wanted to get the hell out of the Dragon's Castle as quickly as possible. She thought to herself of a idea as she laid out in bed and grabbed her fallen white bouquet of daisies, laying there once more with; looking back one last time before her eyes were closed and her resting body was in position. Shrek had an feeling and turned around to find the light penetrating through the only window that gave all who entered here the yellow beacon of where he slept, the princess laid there appearing as if she was a heavenly vision of wonder. Shrek's gotta' thank Dragon for helping him get to this tower and saving him the trouble of climbing up all those stairs and stone bridges

Shrek approached her baldaquin bed slowly as his eyes narrowed and climbed up the stairs, with her pucking her lips when she sensed her Knight approaching her; ready to be kissed and end this frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night, but what she was about to receive was anything but a rude awakening. Which is reasonable because Shrek can not stay here any longer, he needed to return to Duloc right away as he shook her roughly: "Oh oh!" Fiona was shaken

"Wake up" Shrek awakened her

"What?" Fiona asked, shocked by the Knight's way of approaching her

"Are you Princess Fiona?" Shrek asked as she smiled at her savior

"I am, awaiting a Knight so bold as to rescue me" She introduced herself

"Oh that's nice, now let's go!" Shrek impatience was beginning to leak as he turned to leave until Fiona sat up on her bed

"But wait, sir Knight" Shrek turned to face her. "This be'ith our first meeting, should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?" She asked as she threw herself back onto the bed with the back of her hand to her forehead, as the white daisies slipped out of her hands and to the right side of her baldaquin

"Yeah, sorry lady; there's no time" Shrek grabbed her by the arm and approached the door, attempting to open the door but ending up breaking the ring to the door that was decorated with some metal plated designs. Fiona was understandable confused as to why her savior would take the door that was barred from the other side

"Hey wait, what you are doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed" Fiona suggested as Shrek turned to face her

"You've had a lot of time to plan this haven't you?" Shrek asked her as she nodded in response, a little too much time to plan how she would be rescued; just exactly the way she planned when this day would come

Shrek reared his arm back after dropping the broken ring on the door and broke through with a yelp from Fiona and a growl from him, using his mighty ogre strength to bust right into the door; turning to see a spiral staircase down and running down to quickly reach the exit so that they could leave right away. He grabbed a torch from the wall that was shaped like a Olympic torch used for the games, although had smooth surfaces and a ridge near the top where the flames sprouted; running past a hole in the wall that showed the sky outside: "But we have to savor this moment!" Fiona suggested as they ran down the stairs

"You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!" Shrek and Fiona ran across the stone bridge that spanned over the sea of lava below outside of the castle, entering the next room before freeing her arm from her savior

"I don't think so" Shrek replied, he looked around since Donkey should've been here

"Can I at least know the name of my champion?" She asked as he never introduce himself, Shrek however was too distracted and replied the same way that he did to Donkey when they first met awhile back

"Uh... Shrek" Shrek responded as he looked around, now where could Donkey be if he's not here where he should've been after supposedly escaping the Dragon; Fiona cleared her throat and held out a handkerchief for him

"Sir Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude" Her handkerchief had two parallel lines with round half circle edges, with her name written on one of the corners as Shrek took and regarded it as he looked at her

"Thanks!" Shrek then proceeded to wipe his filthy and grotty brow of the helmet he wore with it before returning it to Fiona, who held it with her hand; she was going to say something when they were both startled by the roar of Dragon who seemingly sensed that Shrek lived, she dropped the used handkerchief in response and asked him

"You didn't slay the Dragon?" Fiona asked in surprise, why would any Knight not slay the Dragon before rescuing her when Shrek turned to tell her

"It's on my to-do list, now come on!" Shrek told her as he realized that Donkey must've been taken hostage and continued to run down the hall, while she went to explain

"But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn; banner flying. That's what all the other Knights did!" Fiona was not the princess to condone the previous attempted to rescue her and always paid her respects to her failed rescuers, as she could explore anywhere she wanted to; however the threshold beyond the two doors of the exit was forbidden like the West Wing of the Beast's Castle

"Yeah, right before they burst into flame" Shrek told Princess Fiona as he looked at one of the remains of a barbute wearing Knight who wore a scorched chesplate with some greaves and bracers that fell off, his shield and chestplate both had a lion depicted along with his sword that lied next to him. On the wall where he rested was a scorched imprint of the Knight who was seemingly pinned to the wall and burned alive, as the force of the billowing flame was enough to had his sword also stuck to the wall and not much could be seen for the shield. From this evidence Shrek assumed that the Knight was not a very brave fighter at all, as he had both his arms and legs spread to the sides diagonally before the Dragon finished him off

"That's not the point, oh!" Fiona freed herself from Shrek's grip as they entered a large cellar with three large barrels, a large book that Dragon had read that had the recipe for "Knightly Treats" thanks to learning and practicing her reading skills and of course a large cauldron. Shrek suddenly stopped and went on ahead to the doors in front of him when Fiona asked him: "Wait where are you going, the exit is over there!" She pointed to the right

"Well I have to save my ass" Shrek responded, now he's really done it; she's pushed her to this edge and dared she ask him:

"What kind of Knight are you?" Fiona asked since this Knight was not one of the others who's ever done things like these: Breaking down doors, running through the halls and making snarky remarks about the other's attempts to save her; is this the kind of Knight she was dreaming about?

"One of a kind" Shrek replied since he was a one of a kind Knight... who breaks down doors before he vanished into the room, slowly opening the wooden door with the ringed knobs. He walked into the treasure room where Dragon had Donkey coiled around her tail, seeing the sight from above the balcony as he held the torch; she was cooing whenever he spoke and as he peaked closer he could hear what he was saying:

"Slow down, slow down baby; please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time, just call me old-fashioned; I don't want to rush into a physical relationship I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of uh.. this- magnitude is the word I'm looking for, magnitude" That was when Donkey was stroked by one of her black claws and of course made him call her out. "Hey that is unwanted physical contact" He declared as Dragon raised her to the right and lit the chandelier that hung in the room above them both: "Hey what you doing?!"

The chandelier was a thick band and shaped like a collar that was studded on both the thick top and low bands, with the middle rim having diamond shaped holes in a pattern as for each of the three diamond holes there was a cylinder shape acting like the borders; the top was a round trapezoid where the fires were lit. There were three shackles that held them on the top and diagonal bottom left to right, where it all connected to the main chain that was long and hung over them. Shrek realized that Dragon had apparently fallen in love with Donkey and it seemed that she was sure to chase them as they ran out of the castle, that was something that the ogre could not allow to happen; but then he noticed that the chandelier was round shaped and looked like a collar as it was connected to the ceiling, he laid his torch onto the wall where it leaned against before climbing onto the stone trailing and taking the chain that rested above him. He was getting ready to swing as Donkey continued to talk

"Okay okay, let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time; we really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot but I just love receiving cards, I'd really love to stay but-" Shrek hoisted himself and swung across to the side, extinguishing the fires on the chandelier as he now found himself hanging above; looking up to find a reel of chains that were stopped by a lock that kept them from sliding, however Donkey was in a real bad spot now that Dragon was playing with his tail. "Don't do that, that's my tail! That's personal tail, you're tear it off; I don't give permission but heeey... what you doing now?" Looks like Dragon's leaning down to smooch him on the snout, that's not going to end up well

Shrek yanked himself up and forced himself downwards to pull the chain he was hanging from, unfortunately this made his pants slip to expose his green ass but the lock broke off and the chain began to descend as he was descending towards Dragon's tail; whom Donkey was praying that she doesn't end up kissing him. "Hey now, no way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!" Shrek took his place as Donkey fell onto the treasure near Dragon's talons and coiled tail right as she was about to kiss him, instead ending up literally kissing his ass; Dragon was very disappointed that her kiss meant for Donkey was interrupted and roared in her irritation, but Shrek had enough of this and released the chain as the chandelier fell and slipping through her snout and down to her neck. He had enough time to pull his pants back up and the chandelier became a collar for her, now she was really pissed as the chains went onto to continue falling; with him jumping off the coiled tail in slow motion, before they ran like hell for it up the stairs of the balcony. By the way the chandelier slipping onto her neck made Shrek wince since that's got to hurt

Dragon turned to face Shrek who was revealed to have survived and lived, now taking away her Donkey as she fired off a billowing flame once again; the fire bouncing as Shrek grabbed him and continued running when the fires were about to engulf them, but fell off to the lower platform before landing on his feet. They did not stop once as Princess Fiona entered through the doors wondering what was happening inside, but could not speak when Shrek picked her up while running quickly; getting a yelp as both of them were held on the sides, Donkey on the right and Fiona on the left

"Hi Princess!" Donkey declared happily

"It talks!" Fiona cried out in surprise

"Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!" Shrek explained before stopping short, there was no place to run; but only to slide down what was once a stone altar; when Dragon lunged forward to bite at them with Donkey screaming, Shrek had no choice but to slide down; regaining balance as they hit some bumps and continued down, unfortunately there was a gap in the stop and struck him right in the mommy and daddy button (Mike Myer's Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Fat Bastard reference) Reaching the button as he stumbled off and walked lightly. "Arrgghhoww!" Shrek continued running as it did not hurt too much since he did have layers of flesh, the pain did not strike him down and it will not stop nor slow him down from Dragon chasing after them with the new collar and chain

Shrek, Donkey and Princess Fiona ran down through the hall with Dragon chasing them as the chains sparked and fizzled a bit, with them jumping over the next chain as Dragon followed to the right side; and finally to the top right as ducking over the chain which it wasn't tall enough for him to duck over, he could've just easily jumped over it like he did with the previous one. What they were doing was merely tangling the extended chain all around the corridors and around the altars of the pillars, Shrek had no intention on killing Dragon as he was running all throughout the main castle of the hall; he was let's just say punishing her for capturing Donkey and holding him hostage as her own. Soon they found Dragon standing bipedally on her talons and firing a billowing flame towards them, running to their right as Shrek jumped over one chain; ducked below the second and leaped over the third, they were now close to the exit and it was in their grasps

"Okay you two, head for the exit!" Donkey and Princess Fiona did not have to be told twice as they ran for it, while Shrek grabbed a sword stabbed from the ribcage of the fallen skeleton Knights. Having the same bulb pommel with upwards curved spiral handle, hammered in between all four sides crossguard and a long silvery blade. "I'll take care of the Dragon" He held it as if he was going to slay her but instead he did what no Knight has ever done before: He stabbed the sword in between the two of the several overlapping links of the chains, now binded and locked by the sword as Shrek slowly backed up before making a run to get the hell out of the Dragon's Castle

"RRRUUUUUUNNNN!" Shrek echoed out as he turned to the corner to see Donkey and Fiona still going; running as fast as they could as he bolted along with no time to stop and go slowly, reaching the bridge as Dragon fired off one last billowing flame that raced against them. The bridge began to burn as they were nearly there before it split in half, the piece of the bridge broke away into the lava as they were all sent flying towards the edge of the other side; but Donkey could not hang on and fell backwards before Shrek held him by the tail, yelling as Dragon was still coming in hot and jumped. The sword that binded and locked the chains broke from the handle as Fiona yelped when Dragon was about to take flight, before being jerked backwards as the sword had been tightened around the alters so she could go no further beyond this point; she returned to the stone bridge as Donkey fainted and the trio of our heroes continued to climb up with Dragon roaring out at them in anger, giving off a sorrowful whimper at the loss of her love. Looking sadly at him and crying out in disappointment

Donkey looked back at her and turned away, he was really wanting to get to know about her since she didn't look too violent but they had a mission and they were returning to Duloc no matter what stands in their way. Dragon returned inside of the castle and back to her treasure hoard, all she had ever wanted to silence her loneliness forever was someone who she could love; she would give up anything for him, including this treasure hoard since she had no need for these riches she was gifted with by the wicked and evil Fairy Godmother who was behind all of this. Curse these chains she thought as she lamented what has happened, although she would not be alone again as she decided her next move

She had no desire nor wish to return to her former life alone nor to her treasure hoard, she will break these chains one day and she will find Donkey again; no matter what it takes for her to find her lost love. For now she could use some rest because she's had quite a day of having to be binded to the castle at all times. Then again she'll wake up in the afternoon and then go searching for Donkey, there that's better; they won't be too far out there for her to be lost

In the meantime though, the forked road back to Duloc is going to have some delays on their way back with some disappointment at first but friendliness the next; and of course some romantic moments that'll be growing between the two as one's misunderstood and the other's keeping a secret, but how long can she keep it before time runs out and the world of Shrek is changed forever? Time will tell and may their journey back be a safe return with no dangers that lurk in the shadows of Lord Farquaad's desires to become king by marrying Princess Fiona...

(A/N: This is where Shrek: Adaptation written by cgaussie left off due to the author's time constraints and inactivity, to be even more precise though he's been changing the fucking words of the script as well; if you're going to write an adaptation novel like this then don't change the fucking words, that's a 1# mistake that a rookie can make right there. Unfortunately I did not enjoy reading the story because there were lack of details about everything and missing scenes as well, this is the reason why I wrote this)


End file.
